Unlike any other city I have lived in, Beirut has taught me the most about life in general. Yes, I am compelled to say 'life et al.' because that's how intense the experience is... This is the only city where I am part of two extreme worlds; one which flaunts its wealth in subtle yet quite obvious manners and the other which tries to mask its misery with a simple broad smile. Howsoever exhilarating such experience is, at times it leaves me numb and I find myself struggling to decide where exactly I belong to: to the rich or to the poor? to the mediocre ultra-sophisticated society or to the simplest yet harsh one? This constant change of social lieu is quite disturbing when you are foreign to the culture and trying your best to overcome the petty adjustment issues to get assimilated with your new surroundings. You don't know what to relate to and you are just lost!
Beirut presents staggering cultural contrasts. I think this would be the only place in the world where you can experience the cultural and reverse cultural shocks at the same time! You can easily spot a girl in summer clothes i.e. skinny shorts and a singlet walking alone on the opposite side of the road where a woman clad in her niqab, barely even showing her eyes awaits her husband! This happens only in Lebanon. Recently I shifted to an apartment in a very chic, Christian international-French area of Beirut. I could never imagine that two areas of the same city could be so drastically different! Earlier I used to live in an area which was predominantly Muslim; where I wasn't even allowed to invite any guy friends at home and here I have to share my apartment with two guys! Before I hardly ever saw any woman without hijab contrary to here where I hardly see any woman with it. These small cities within the big city confuse me at times and I don't know what kind of behavior would be appropriate!
This was about the city that throws at you a big jigsaw puzzle of relativity and you are exhausted by putting the pieces in their right place.
On the other hand, when you are a young-poorly-paid-professional just about to kick-start your international career in such a city, the relativity takes a whole new level. Once you work at International ladder, you get to know how best life can get but at the same time, you have also witnessed the bleak side of the same life through various field visits. The guilt of not being content with what you have eats your mind up and you get fed up of the fight between your own 'good and bad minds' justifying your thoughts and aspirations. On one side you know that you made a choice and you have to stick to it, but on the other side you actually start questioning everything because there is nothing around you that assures you that you took a good (or bad) decision. You have come too far away from your relativity standards and lack thereof, you feel lost. The new is too new and the old is too old!
This happens when you look back and realize that your paths drifted apart so much from your own folks that now you are alone in your endeavors. No one is in view. You don't know whether you are on a right track or no. You just know that you are not part of the larger, comfortable group. You feel sad, alone. At low moments, you even fail to acknowledge that you might actually be on a correct and a rather better path. You feel sandwiched between two completely different cultures, contrast sets of ambitions and two pole-apart worlds. This lack of relatable stuff is very frustrating. You unnecessarily start judging your choices. You know it very well that you asked for this offbeat set of battles and fights which are way different from those that your friends go through. But sometimes you secretly wish that you hadn't had to calculate your weekly budget for grocery or that you hadn't had to think extremely practically about your emotional life...
But maybe at times, it is better not to have anything to relate to. You create your own standards and you set your own goals. This way you know the pros and cons of your actions. Nobody can really judge you about your choices. You just need to hang in there and not lose faith in what you have decided to do.
All you have to do is to relate to yourself and then everything seems to be falling in place!
This was about the city that throws at you a big jigsaw puzzle of relativity and you are exhausted by putting the pieces in their right place.
On the other hand, when you are a young-poorly-paid-professional just about to kick-start your international career in such a city, the relativity takes a whole new level. Once you work at International ladder, you get to know how best life can get but at the same time, you have also witnessed the bleak side of the same life through various field visits. The guilt of not being content with what you have eats your mind up and you get fed up of the fight between your own 'good and bad minds' justifying your thoughts and aspirations. On one side you know that you made a choice and you have to stick to it, but on the other side you actually start questioning everything because there is nothing around you that assures you that you took a good (or bad) decision. You have come too far away from your relativity standards and lack thereof, you feel lost. The new is too new and the old is too old!
This happens when you look back and realize that your paths drifted apart so much from your own folks that now you are alone in your endeavors. No one is in view. You don't know whether you are on a right track or no. You just know that you are not part of the larger, comfortable group. You feel sad, alone. At low moments, you even fail to acknowledge that you might actually be on a correct and a rather better path. You feel sandwiched between two completely different cultures, contrast sets of ambitions and two pole-apart worlds. This lack of relatable stuff is very frustrating. You unnecessarily start judging your choices. You know it very well that you asked for this offbeat set of battles and fights which are way different from those that your friends go through. But sometimes you secretly wish that you hadn't had to calculate your weekly budget for grocery or that you hadn't had to think extremely practically about your emotional life...
But maybe at times, it is better not to have anything to relate to. You create your own standards and you set your own goals. This way you know the pros and cons of your actions. Nobody can really judge you about your choices. You just need to hang in there and not lose faith in what you have decided to do.
All you have to do is to relate to yourself and then everything seems to be falling in place!
3 comments:
Hey devaki,
George Bernard Shaw has said 'I hate feeling at home when I am abroad'. :) I always read your posts and marvel at the experiences you write about. While I can very well relate to leaving home and establishing a life outside your home country, what you do and where you do your work is truly unchartered territory. So kudos to you and may you enjoy your adventures!
More power to you!
Thanks! :)
You are a star!
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